Visit enough bars and dives over the years and you will collect your fair share of stories about those places, many of which you probably wish that you had forgotten. Recently I had an experience at such a bar that jogged a few of these memories loose and I thought that it would be the perfect time to write about them.

Life in Karaoke Land

It's been ten years since I took my once and only trip to a karaoke bar. My friend Levi told me that it would be a good time if we went to the karaoke bar at the Holiday Inn in Denton, TX. I argued that I didn't go, he said he would buy the first round and I finally agreed to come along. There is a fact that I assume is correct from my limited experience and what I have heard about these places. Almost everyone there lives 15 years in the past. You've got women in their 40s that are re-living their late 20s. Men with receding hair lines that act like they are God's gift to rock. And then you had Sir Mix-A-Lot:

Imagine a pasty white guy with a receding hair line and a mullet. Now make him overweight. Add a child molester mustache. Now, put him in a Kroger uniform, complete with name tag. Now take this guy, put him on a stage and have him do Baby Got Back from Sir Mix-A-Lot (I like big butts and I cannot lie!). Complete the picture by making him very serious about the karaoke that he's doing and add in dance moves that he's obviously been practicing and you have my favorite karaoke performer from the night. It was fantastically hilarious and a little sad at the same time too. He finished his song to massive amounts of applause and it was easy to see that he was a regular and a fan favorite. Sometimes I wonder if he still performs that song with such fervor.


If You Ever Desperately Needed to Get Laid

A few years ago, I surprised my wife with a surprise birthday party. We all went to this Italian restaurant that was BYOB and brought many bottles of wine. BYOB always seems like a good idea until you realize you have brought two bottles too many and that you've already drank them. The party is winding down and she and I have both had a bit too much to drink. So much so that we convince Megan, another friend of ours to go to this bar called The Moose to have some more drinks.

Had we been sober, we would have never elected to go there. This is a place we have avoided like the plague until this point, but when we first got there it looked much like any other bar around the world. Smokey room, bar on the right, dance floor on the left with no one dancing and an overweight DJ playing top 40's hits from the past three decades. We ordered some more drinks and sat for a little bit. Then Megan and Kristen decided to request a particular song from the DJ. As soon as they left, it was like someone released a pack of hungry hounds. In the three minutes they were gone, no less than three women approached me and asked me if I wanted to dance or if I was alone or other such questions. Now, before you think I'm trying to call myself a ladies man or something, as soon as I said no, they went on to some other poor sap that would talk to them. So, if you ever want to desperately get laid, this would probably be the place to go, though I can't vouch for the quality of the women that you will pick up.


SECURITY!!!!!

This was a few weeks ago. I decided to surprise Kristen with a night out in Fort Worth and staying at a bed and breakfast downtown. We went to dinner and had some wine with dinner. We went to an improv comedy show and had drinks there. After that we went to the dueling piano bar and had some more drinks there. Let's stop at the piano bar.

Now, I'll be the first one to say that I'm not a teenager. But on the other side of that token, I don't really feel that old either. At least I didn't until I went to the dueling piano bar. On this night the bar was packed with middle aged folks, all cramming in to drink their apple-tinis or their coors light (because they have to watch their figure) or some other drink like that. They came to hear the pianos, because they aren't as offensive to the ears as that new fangled rock music with it's heavily distorted guitars. They came because the piano players will play the theme songs from their favorite shows from the eighties and before (Cheers, Saved By The Bell, Doogie Howser M.D, Mash and more). But the owners of the dueling piano bar didn't realize the vast number of middle aged folks they would rake in with this kind of fare and as such did not have enough chairs for all of their patrons and their worn out bones. Sadly, I was one of those patrons. After a few too many drinks, one likes to sit down for awhile and we found ourselves without chairs. That was until someone got up from a table, leaving it empty except for a glass with only a couple of ice cubes in it and what looked like an empty pack of smokes. I pointed it out to Kristen and she raced over to the table and sat down. It was at this point when some other old fogey came up and tapped twice on the empty glass, as if it were holding his place and said a word to Kristen. She got up and we both went back to standing.

Ten minutes later, one of the waitstaff came by and, seeing the empty glass on the table, removed it. I figured to myself, "there's still no one sitting there, they have removed the previous placeholder of the glass, the table is mine for the taking". I walked over and sat down only to have a fat finger tapped twice on the empty cigarette pack.

"I saw you come with that girl earlier man, you know that this table is taken."

I was drunk, so it probably didn't sound this reasoned, "Yeah, when we were here last, you claimed that the glass was holding your place. The glass is gone, are you saying that this piece of trash is holding your place?"

"Do I need to call security?"

I kind of laughed to myself and continued sitting there thinking to myself, "Is he REALLY going to call security for something that he could probably easily take care of himself? I mean let's face it, I'm pretty much a wimp and he's got an easy 50 pounds on me. It wouldn't even be a fight." I sat there for a few minutes thinking over his threat when I guess he decided that his threat didn't really carry much weight and he pulled the table away from me. I sat there a little longer, laughed some more then went back to Kristen and we decided to go. Sorry, no more exciting ending than that. If you're wondering why, refer to my previous statement about me being a wimp.

Well, my three tales about three bars now comes to an end. I sincerely hope you enjoyed it.