Every couple of years or so, my family goes up to visit my wife's sister in Salem, Illinois. It usually is cause for some interesting stories, but it wasn't until this last trip that I decided to write about some it it.

Mushrooms

Every time that we go up there around the month of April, we hunt mushrooms. Well, hunt isn't really the best word, but it sounds better than "wandering around aimlessly in the woods looking for mushrooms". Now, I know the kind of people that read my columns and I know what you're thinking. No, we're not going around looking for poisonous mushrooms to get high with. These are called morel mushrooms and they're edible and apparently pretty sought after. Every time I mention going though, I get a little wink and a nudge from whoever it is I am telling basically like, "I won't tell the authorities what you're doing, man."

My father-in-law had a similar experience, though I don't think he realized it at the time. He was telling someone that he worked with that he was going to Illinois to hunt mushrooms. His co-worker replied with, "That's cool man, can you bring me one or two back?"

Fred was a little confused and said, "Oh, you'll want more than two. Two won't even fill you up."

His co-worker said, "Oh, two will do me just fine. I'm a lightweight."

I'm not sure to this day if Fred really understood what the guy was asking, but I always try and imagine him bringing one of two of these mushrooms back to his co-worker and seeing the disappointed look on his face.


The Dog

I was in Salem this past weekend and my brother in law wanted to take me out to some of the places that he hung out at. We ended up at this hole in the wall bar that everyone referred to as "The Dog". I was informed more than once throughout the evening that the bar was much nicer now that they put in a tile floor in place of the dirt one a couple of years back. Closing time came and we were standing around waiting to get kicked out when this crazy-eyed guy walked up behind us.

He said, "Whoa, are you guys security or something? Are you gonna kick me out?"

We looked back and one of us said, "Umm, what? No, we're just standing around."

"Oh, I thought you were trying to block me from getting to the door. I just stood up and looked and there were a bunch of guys standing between me and the door." Yeah, I always think that when I see a couple of guys standing around talking with their backs to me. They must be security guards waiting to kick the shit out of me.

He started to leave and then he started talking about the cops and their drug dogs. He told us his plan, "Man, I'm gonna get me a drug dog and teach it real good. I'll teach it so good that the fuckin cops can come and pay me to use my dog. Because their dogs suck."

"Oh? Why do you say that?"

"Well, I carry around a cannister of cayenne pepper with me in the car everywhere I go. That way, when I get pulled over I just sprinkle that all over the inside of my car and those damn dogs don't know what to do."

We kind of laughed a little bit under our breaths thinking that this was over, but then he continued, "Yeah, this one time, they stopped a friend of mine and I. I had something shoved down my pants if you know what I mean. The dogs just walked right past me and they bit my friend's fuckin' arm man! You know why they didn't?"

"I have the feeling you're going to tell us."

"He had Rolaids in his pocket. You see, he has really bad heartburn and he carries Rolaids around in his pocket all the time and they get crunched up and all powdery. That damn dog didn't know the difference between Rolaids and drugs. That's why I'm gonna train my own drug dog and rent it out to the cops."

"Wouldn't that be a little counterproductive if you're carrying like you said you were?" I said.

"Well fuck, I'd just teach him not to sniff it out on me. I'll see you guys later, look out for those cops."


The Stars are Bright and Big at Night

One of the nights that I was up there recently, we went out and had a cookout in the middle of the woods. My neice was there with us and I would be understating the fact to say that she was terrified of the woods. Every time she turned around she thought that some new insect was crawling on her, though I admit that everyone else did everything they could to propogate that belief. At any rate, the sun sets and we're all sitting around a fire and looking up at the stars.

I comment to her that you don't see so many stars where we live because of the city lights so close. We talk for a little bit longer and then she says, "Do the stars come out every night?"

I thought she was joking, so I said, "Well yeah, unless you count them not being out when it's cloudy."

"No really, are they out every night?"

For those of you who don't know the answer to this question, I'll tell you this. They're only out when I let them out of my pocket. I try to do this every night, but sometimes I forget.


I hope you have enjoyed our little trip to Salem, sometime in the future I may have more stories to tell about this strange and mysterious land.