A few weeks ago a friend of mine asked me how my blog was doing. I thought for a minute about what blog he could be talking about and then realized that it was this thing I write online. I grumbled something about fucking off and that it wasn't a blog. We got into a little bit of an argument about whether this was a blog or not, his main reason being that I use blog software as the basis of my site so that it must be a blog. I thought I'd go ahead and list out the ways I gave him to tell that a site is not a blog:
1. The type- The first way to tell if a site is a blog is by the simple type of site test. I like to separate most of the blogs I have seen into two different categories: political/news and useless personal information. We can certainly eliminate The Valley from the political/news. I know that several of you are saying, "But wait moron, you post useless personal information all the time. You just proved yourself wrong. You are such a fucking idiot." To those of you that said that, you can insult me any way you want, just use a swear word more creative than 'fucking'. Also, this is not the only way, I'm just using this as a narrowing identifier so that I don't have to talk about the boring as hell political/news blogs.
2. Miniscule Personal information- Yes, I do talk about events in my personal life on The Valley. I have been told by some that they are humorous. If I was a blog, however, I wouldn't have any concern for whether the stuff that I posted was funny or not. I would just spew out information that I'm sure you are dying to know. Stuff like: whether or not I have a two-legged cat named hopalong, the method I use to brush my teeth, what hand I masturbate with, what my favorite song is and how many times I have listened to it, how many licks it really takes to get to the center of a tootsie pop. Well, maybe not that last one, but you get the picture.
3. Volume-One thing that no one can disagree with is that true bloggers put out way more postings than I ever do. I mean, hell, I'm lucky if I get one post out every other month. No self-respecting blogger would be caught dead with a site they posted to that rarely. No, a real blogger posts every five minutes. That's why they post so much freaking miniscule personal information. If I were a blog, this is kind of what my site would look like, mind you this is all fictitious, I would never subject you to the boring details of my everyday life:
Feb 28 2006 8:35 AM
I just woke up and man does my breath stink. They should really invent something that could brush your teeth before you wake up so that you never have to have morning breath. Well, off I go to take care of this problem.
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Feb 28 2006 9:50 AM
Well, my teeth are finally brushed. I had a fright there for a second that I could see the plaque on my teeth, so I spent nearly an hour and a half brushing my teeth. After all that, I realized that it was just the shadow from my toothbrush. I'm sorry to have kept you all waiting so long for this post, sometimes you just get delayed.
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Feb 28 2006 9:55 AM
I just finished posting my last post to my blog. You should really go read it, it's about brushing my teeth and being confused about plaque. As I was finishing it, I started thinking about the word Lamb. Why does lamb sound the same as spam. It's got a B on the end. Well, I was thinking about the word Lamb because I work with this girl Sherry Lamb and boy is she hot. I think I'm going to go masturbate left handed to her.
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Feb 28 2006 9:56 AM
Man, that was great. That Sherry is always great for that sort of thing. I think I might ask Sherry out later this week. Hopefully this time I won't get my pants caught in the paper shredder like last time. Man, that was embarrassing. (I wrote about this yesterday, look at the archives to read about it)
And so on. So as you can see, there is no way that I can be a blog for this simple fact. I'm too damn lazy to write more frequently than I do.
4. Commenting- Another key aspect of blogs is that in a lot of cases the owner of the blog constantly has friends that comment on the blog and how "funny,stupid,great,cute" they think the site is. It doesn't have to be a true comment it could be something as simple as, "hahahahaha" or, "you rock!" or something like that. This is the key element that makes The Valley not a blog. You see, I have no friends. Well, I have friends, but the ones that I have are too lazy to post a comment on here. I mean, you have that verification thing that you have to type in and everything, you really have to have initiative to post a comment on here.
I'm all tapped out. If you would like to give me some more reasons why my site is not a blog, then please e-mail me. After all, having comments would just put me one step closer to being a blog.