When I was younger I very much wanted to be Michael Knight from Knight Rider. Not because I liked David Hasselhoff (those of you in Germany that swoon over him, don't take that as an insult he's just not my mug of beer) but because I really wanted to have a car like KITT. For those of you who never saw the television masterpiece that this show was, I'll give you a little synopsis:

Michael Knight got in some accident, don't really remember the particulars of it, but when he came to there was this old British sounding guy that said that they had a foundation and something about fighting crime. Like I said this was a long time ago. So anyways, Michael said screw you and your crime fighting ways. The old British dude said, "Ok, that's fine, here's your car keys, you're free to go." Michael takes his car only to find out later that it's an amazing talking car with turbo boosters! Oh yeah, I think that the car sounds like Mr. Feeny from Boy Meets World. I've only seen that show a couple of times but now I sound like I watch a little too much television. Maybe I should find a hobby. Like whittling train whistles, I've always wondered how those things get made. Well, at any rate, Michael changes his mind and he and the car go off to fight crime together, one episode at a time. The rest is television history.

Now that you know the rough background of it, you'll understand when I say that I wish I had a car like, except maybe a cooler model. Like if I had a talking Ferrarri that would be pretty cool, especially if it had turbo boosters. I was driving home the other day when I had just that thought and thought that it would be very cool if my super intelligent car with turbo boosters could drive me home that day. Then I thought some more about having an intelligent car and came to the conclusion that it might not be such a good idea to have one. Without drawing this out any longer than I already have, here's the reasons:

1. Personality Differences: Just like there are different personalities for different people I would imagine that each car would have it's own personality. What if you got a car that was just an asshole. For instance:

Me: Hey Buddy, let's go down to the store and pick up some beer!

Car: Fuck you pal! Take yourself down to the store. Speaking of which, don't you drink too much as it is?

Me: I thought you liked being my designated driver!

Car: Yeah, just what I need, to cart around your drunk ass and have you throw up all over my interior. You know the smell doesn't ever really go away moron.


2. Breaking Up: My parents always suggested that if I wanted something big growing up that I should get all of the money on my own instead of splitting the cost with a friend. Their reasoning was that if I got into a fight with that friend that we wouldn't know how to split up the item in question. The same thing goes with this, except you're putting up all the money. But guess who's getting the car if you and your car get in a fight. It'll just leave you there on the street sobbing that you should have bought a stupid car, but by then it's too late.


3. Bad Car: Most TV shows that have smart cars usually have good cars. But what happens if your car isn't good? What happens if he's downright evil? Instead of fighting crime, he runs people off of the road. Maybe he's just evil enough so that he aims for all the neighborhood pets should they get out of the house. The worst thing about a bad car is a situation like this:

Me: Can I help you officer?

Officer: Can you account for your whereabouts last night?

Me: Sure, I was here watching porn, why do you ask?

Officer: We have a report that a car matching your cars description and license plate numbers wreaked havok on a homecoming parade. There was paper mache everywhere! It was pure madness! We have several eyewitnesses that saw your car there. Are you sure you don't want to change your story?

Me: No! I was here. Wait, I have a smart car, he talks and thinks on his own. This was all his doing.

Officer: Let's go take a look at this "smart" car.

Me: Ok, here we are. Car, tell him where you were last night.

Car:

Me: Tell him damnit! I'm not going to jail for you!

Car:

Me: You better tell him or it's the chop shop for you!

Car:

Officer: I think I've seen enough.

Then you would get charged not only for criminal acts, but you would probably be sentenced to an asylum because they think you're crazy. Meanwhile, your evil car would be at your house enjoying the creature comforts of your garage while you're locked up. He'd call over all of his car whores and do things to them that are illegal in 49 states, including yours!


4. Replacement: Ok, let's say that you've overcome the past three items and have a pretty good relationship with your smart car. What happens after five years or ten or fifteen? Eventually the car is going to be run down and unusable. How do you tell your car buddy that it's time for you to sell him for a newer model?

As you can see, the disadvantages of having a smart car are many. If these are ever available in real life, think hard before you make the move to buy one, it could end you up in jail!