Let me apologize to the readers (or maybe I should say reader) who over the years have not really had to listen to me rant about anything in particular. I have in the past tried to avoid this type of behavior, but at long last I can fight it off no longer. There are a couple of things that are out there that are kind of bothering me right about now. Before you read further, it's not going to be anything so serious as the rate of Murders in Ponoke, Idaho but I just wanted to warn everyone before hand. Here we go:

Standardized

The school districts around here just got through the most recent bout of standardized testing. The test is called the Texas Assessment of Knowledge and Skills, or TAKS for short. I'll let you read that last sentence again and maybe you can see where I am going. Go ahead, read it again, I'll wait. So this test at the earliest level of third grade is supposed to test reading.

You're testing third grader's ability to read with a test whose name doesn't spell a real word. TAKS. I think that the heading on the writing portion of the test is actually: Ryting. Now, the funny part about the whole thing isn't that they used an acronym that spells a word incorrectly but that it it could have spelled a word not only correctly but that would have been good in the context of the use. The TASK test, but I am not sure this even made the running. I think the second runner up was ASKT, as in, "I askt you fo my money and I'm gonna gets it!"

Ok, let's give the education department the benefit of the doubt that they didn't have the forward thinking mind that some people had to realize that it would harm a third grader's ability to do things like spell tacks correctly. The next problem that I have with the name is that Skills word. Now, I know that Skills is used proper in terms of how it's defined, but let's ask ourselves what we conjure up in our mind when we hear the word skills. Here's some of the things that I thought of:

His carpentry skills were top notch.
Man, he's got mad skills!
I've got nunchuck skills.

Typically, you don't hear someone say, "Man, he's got mad skills - in reading." I should rephrase, you typically wouldn't hear someone who isn't a total dork saying that. So those of you that have heard me say that before, disregard in this context.

I'm done with standardized testing, let's move on.

Ribbon of Death

There are probably hundreds of companies that make those magnetic ribbons that people are now sporting on their cars. You know the ones, they say stuff like, "We support our troops" and, "Go America" and, "My Son and My Money go to OU". Ok, maybe not so much that last one. I really like the cars that have so many of the ribbons that the entire back end of their car can't be seen through them. Yeah, they're supporting the terrorists.

Wait, you didn't know? The companies that make these ribbons are funneling the money that they make from them to terrorists. All of the patriotism there on the backs of these cars are basically badges saying, "I'm supporting the insurgency." Now, before you ask, yes I had proof. However, the proof disappeared while I was sleeping last night. I think that highly skilled ninja snuck into my room and stole it. That, or I sobered up this morning.

My favorite of the new magnets are the ones that are so not being patriotic. For instance, I saw one the otherday celebrating the North Carolina Tarheels victory in the NCAA. Do you really need a ribbon as opposed to a regular rectangular bumper sticker to express that? I especially like it when I see something like that on a car right next to a "Support our Troops" magnet. It makes me think that some people are saying, "Honey, I don't care what you put on the car as long as it is in the shape of a ribbon!"

With those other ribbons in mind, I have whipped up a couple of ideas for you to get put on a ribbon. Here we go:

I ate the World's Largest Burrito!

Rear End my Car, The Magnets Will Protect Me!

If You Want to Sleep With Me, Put a Ribbon on Your Car.

My Parents Went to Germany and All I got Was this Stupid Anti-War Ribbon.

So those are some of the ideas. We can look at partnering up and getting them printed if you like. Now, I need to make a statement. Before any of you goes and blabs to your friend that, "John at The Valley is an unpatriotic bastard. I hate him!" Hate me if you like, but I'm not unpatriotic, I'm unribbonotic, or something like that. You get the picture.

OK! It's finally over, we can go back to normal operation for the next column. Thank you for your patience with this. This was not a drill, had it been a drill, cookies would have been handed out and there would have been an intermission.