I opened the mail and aside from the postcard that I got inviting me to a subscription for Playboy, I had a letter from the local Mitsubishi dealership inviting me to come test drive a car. In addition, there was a thing saying that we could get a free digital camera for attending. We already have a digital camera, but I thought that I would see what this was all about. I also thought that I could scam this into an idea for a column.
I got to the dealership and was promptly greeted by a salesperson. I showed him the letter from the mail and he said excitedly, "Oh you're here for the sale, huh?"
I grunted yes and he escorted me inside. He started to ask me what kind of car I was looking for and I told him I was looking for something that was small but still had a decent amount of storage in the trunk. Then he asked, "So John, what do you do?"
"Oh, I work for the government."
"You don't work for the IRS do you?" he asked. I didn't answer and he started to laugh after a couple of seconds of silence, "Not that I have anything to hide from the IRS."
I finally answered his question, "No, I work for the NSA."
I don't think he knew what that was, so we continued on. We walked out to the lot and suggested that I look at the Lancer. We opened up the trunk and I said, "Wow, that's pretty decent sized. Do you think that you could get into the trunk for me? I need to see if someone can fit in it."
"You don't want to get in it, since you're the one buying the car?"
"Well, I'm certainly not going to be the one that is in the trunk after I buy it." He laughed nervously, but still obliged me by climbing in the trunk. He did fit, so I asked him if we could take it for a test drive. He went to get the keys and left me to look around the lot.
When he returned he asked me to drive, the car was a manual transmission. I quickly got on the highway and he commented offhandedly that I really knew what I was doing. "Good," I thought to myself, "this will play perfectly into my hand."
We came up to the turnaround and I took the turn as quickly as I felt safe doing in the little car. When we got back on the highway I gunned it and took off as fast as the engine would go. "Hehe, are you a race car driver or something?"
I said, "No, we went through a fairly extensive driving course when I got my job. You see, I'm a hacker for the government. I get into computers that they want to get into and I also do counter-hacking when someone tries to get into our systems I track them down. That's why I needed you to get into the trunk. As part of an evac protocol I need to be able to hide an agent in my trunk and have an inconspicuous car."
He started looking around nervously and said, "Oh, you're really serious aren't you? Where do you work out of?"
"Well, I'm based in the City of Lewisville Annex, that way if my actions get tracked it can look like some kid in the library was doing something he shouldn't have been."
"So, you had said something about having your supervisor approve the purchase, how will the payment work if you buy this car?"
"Well, it's going to be like a normal cash sale for you. Basically, they will cut me a check and then I will write you a check. Really it's driven by the evac protocol, my car right now isn't really that good for accomodating a guy in the trunk and they need for me to get something new." I answered.
"Ooh. I bet working for the government is pretty good. How long have you been there?" he asked nervously. You could tell that he was going between really wanting the sale and really not wanting to ask the wrong question and getting killed.
"It's alright, I have been with them for about three years now," I said.
"Well, that government stuff is great."
We got back to the dealership and got out of the car. He asked if I was interested and I decided that I would persue this farce a little further. I said yes and we walked inside. He escorted me to his office and immediately went to get the sales manager. I suppose that he didn't feel safe with me anymore.
The manager asked me what I did and I gave him the same answer that I gave for the salesman. Then asked, "So why is the government giving you the check instead of just sending it to us?"
"Well, they really want the car to be in my name. They want me to be the owner. They definitely don't want the car to be registered to the government. They have their own reasons and that's all I really know."
We talked a little further and I noticed that he was trying his best to avoid talking about what I do. It was then that the sales rep walked back in. He watched for a little bit and then asked, "So do we need to run a credit check?"
The manager said, "No, we won't need to do that. The people he works for won't want us doing any more checking up than needs be. Besides, it will be an all cash transaction."
The sales rep answered with, "Oh yeah, he told me some stuff in the car and I knew I didnt' want to ask anymore questions."
We exchanged pleasantries and they asked when I thought they would hear back from me and I said that it would probably be by Monday and that I would give them a call. I left with my free camera and a great column to write for my web page.
Archives
Tuesday, March 22, 2005
Wednesday, March 16, 2005
I have a belief that could probably be discredited with a few quick calls, or maybe an online poll, or possibly just a simple lack of laziness. The belief is that if you look at everyone over the age of twenty-five every one of them will have had a run-in with the law in at least some form of fashion. Maybe it's because you were doing 110 in that school zone or because you forgot that you had been driving around with expired registration for the past three years. Or maybe they finally dug up that dead body in your back yard. I myself have had plenty of interaction with the law and so I present to you things to do and not do when you have to play with the police. Mind you most of them are things that you shouldn't do. This is going to be a two part column because I thought of so many fun things to talk about that it just wouldn't fit in one column. Yay!
Do Not: Act Too Nice
I was thinking about how to start these individual sections, because I could simply start most of them with: I was driving down the road. I thought it might be kind of funny to do it this way, so here goes.
I was driving down the road a few years back and I was definitely speeding, I was going faster than most of the people on the road, as was my typical driving experience at the time. I saw a cop pull of the shoulder, so I figured that he must be coming for me. I took the next exit and pulled into a parking lot and waited. I had hoped that by pulling off the highway and not endangering his life for a traffic stop that he might be lenient. Hey, stop laughing, I was younger and stupider.
The cop pulled up behind me and got out of his car. He came up and did the usual of, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" I love this question. I always want to give some sort of snide answer like, "Because you smelled the sandwich I have in here and you wanted a bite? You can have one if you want it." or, "Do you want to ask me on a date?" But, while I was stupid, I was not that stupid.
I answered him honestly, "Yes, I was going a little fast back there."
He took my drivers license and noted my lack of proof of insurance and went back to his car. When he came back to my car with his ticket book in hand (mind you, it was not written out yet) he asked, "Sir, why did you pull in here?"
I could have lied and said something like, "I wanted to rent a movie here," because I was in front of a video store. Instead, I told the truth, "Well, I saw you pull up on the highway and figured that it was for me, so I pulled over here so that you wouldn't have to deal with the highway when you got out of your car."
He shook his head and laughed a little while he wrote out the ticket. I was ticketed for no proof of insurance, doing 80 in a 65, and expired registration. Yeah, I had a fortune in tickets.
Do: Travel With Someone (Especially Women)
1
I was driving down the road one day and I realized, the only times that I have been pulled over and NOT gotten a ticket. Here's two examples:
I was driving down the road with my girlfriend at the time and we were headed to Denton (the home of happiness). I had crossed into City of Denton territory and forgotten that the speed limit dropped something like 10 miles an hour there. I got pulled over, of course. This was the only time that an officer has asked me to get out of the car. I'm not sure if he thought I was a flight risk or something, but he asked me to get out and for my girlfriend to stay in the car. So I got out and was directed to stand in between the police car and my car, which is as he told me later the most dangerous place to stand in a traffic stop. I was getting all the warm fuzzies from him.
He went up to the car and started talking to my girlfriend and I couldn't hear what was going on. Maybe he thought that I was too much of a chump to get a girlfriend and was making sure that she hadn't been abducted. He came back and said, "Well she can't find a current insurance card in your glove box, but you had a bunch in there so I'll let you go this time. Make sure to pay attention to that speed limit drop."
When I got back in the car my girlfriend told me that she had been nervously fumbling trying to look for proof of insurance for me and that finally the cop said, "It's ok, I'll go talk to him about it."
So really it's all due to her that I didn't get a ticket.
2
I was driving down the road one night with a friend of mine. Well, that's not entirely true. I'm sorry readers, I didn't mean to lie to you, at least not this time. My friend Trevor and I had just dropped my then friend, now wife, Kristen off at her house. To do so, I pulled up to the curb on the wrong side of the street so that she wouldn't have to walk across the street. Can I hear an awww? So we started to pull away from the curb to go back home and I notice that there's a police officer coming down the street. So instead of doing a u-turn like I usually do I kept going and took the long way to get back to the main road. The cop was following me all the way. We pull on to the main road and he turns his lights on.
I kept driving because I had taken a driver safety course a few months earlier and they said to always stop in a well lit area so you can tell if it's a real officer. They told us these stories about people being killed by people impersonating police officers. Frankly it scared me a little, so I kept driving. Trevor got worried and asked, "John, what the hell are you doing?"
"Calm down, I know what I'm doing."
Apparently the police officer thought that I didn't because he turned on the spot and motioned for me to pull over right there. I did and he walked up to the car and took my license and insurance. I was a little taken aback because he didn't ask my if I knew why he pulled me over. Mind you, if he had, I wouldn't know how to answer, unless you count the trying to pick me up line as an answer.
He came back and handed me my license back and said, "Sir, I pulled you over because I saw you pull off of the curb from the wrong side of the road when I turned on to it. Now, I had a car stolen awhile back and I thought you might be trying to steal this car."
I knew I should have pulled into a well lit area. This psycho cop who was trying to hunt down all car thieves on a personal vendetta was going to dismember me. All because I pulled onto the road from the wrong side of the street. I tried to think quick, but all I could think of was, "Wow, that sucks."
Apparently that was the right thing because he said, "Yeah, well you guys be careful driving home tonight," though I think I saw him twitching like he was trying to resist the urge to kill me.
Do Not: Expect Co-operation
We used to live on a cul-de-sac that was very close to an elementary school and a middle school. You could literally walk out our front door, look to the left and see the school. So with that in mind, there was a lot of police traffic giving tickets to people who didn't realize or didn't care that there was a school zone. I think that 90% of the day the school zone was in effect.
I was getting ready to drive down the road one day when I noticed that my driveway was blocked by a police car. I went ahead and started my car and backed up a little bit, hoping that he would see me and go ahead and move out of the way. As I pulled back I saw the full scene. There were two cop cars behind a regular car and apparently they were giving a ticket. Let me tell you my theory on multiple cop cars and tickets.
There is no reason that one cop car can't give out a single ticket. I mean, maybe if there were a drug bust or they were chasing a mass murderer who was wanted in 9 states (and in 7 of them by the law), but this was a traffic stop. If there are more than one cop on a traffic stop then they are wasting your taxpayer money. It's basically like the two cops wanted to stop and gab a little bit. Of course, I didn't explain this theory to the officers, again stupid but not that stupid.
I very nicely asked, "Excuse me, could you please move your car up just three feet?"
The officer turned and scowled at me and held out his hand in the shape of a cows horns (don't mess with the bull!) and said, "Not right now."
I pleaded because I was already late for work, "Please, it's just a couple of feet, you wouldn't even have to move your buddy's car."
He appeared not to have noticed the comment about his buddy and said, "Not right now sir, you'll just have to wait."
So I waited and ten minutes later I was allowed to leave my property.
Well that's all the police stories for this column. Stay tuned for even more legal hijynx! It's the law.
Do Not: Act Too Nice
I was thinking about how to start these individual sections, because I could simply start most of them with: I was driving down the road. I thought it might be kind of funny to do it this way, so here goes.
I was driving down the road a few years back and I was definitely speeding, I was going faster than most of the people on the road, as was my typical driving experience at the time. I saw a cop pull of the shoulder, so I figured that he must be coming for me. I took the next exit and pulled into a parking lot and waited. I had hoped that by pulling off the highway and not endangering his life for a traffic stop that he might be lenient. Hey, stop laughing, I was younger and stupider.
The cop pulled up behind me and got out of his car. He came up and did the usual of, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" I love this question. I always want to give some sort of snide answer like, "Because you smelled the sandwich I have in here and you wanted a bite? You can have one if you want it." or, "Do you want to ask me on a date?" But, while I was stupid, I was not that stupid.
I answered him honestly, "Yes, I was going a little fast back there."
He took my drivers license and noted my lack of proof of insurance and went back to his car. When he came back to my car with his ticket book in hand (mind you, it was not written out yet) he asked, "Sir, why did you pull in here?"
I could have lied and said something like, "I wanted to rent a movie here," because I was in front of a video store. Instead, I told the truth, "Well, I saw you pull up on the highway and figured that it was for me, so I pulled over here so that you wouldn't have to deal with the highway when you got out of your car."
He shook his head and laughed a little while he wrote out the ticket. I was ticketed for no proof of insurance, doing 80 in a 65, and expired registration. Yeah, I had a fortune in tickets.
Do: Travel With Someone (Especially Women)
1
I was driving down the road one day and I realized, the only times that I have been pulled over and NOT gotten a ticket. Here's two examples:
I was driving down the road with my girlfriend at the time and we were headed to Denton (the home of happiness). I had crossed into City of Denton territory and forgotten that the speed limit dropped something like 10 miles an hour there. I got pulled over, of course. This was the only time that an officer has asked me to get out of the car. I'm not sure if he thought I was a flight risk or something, but he asked me to get out and for my girlfriend to stay in the car. So I got out and was directed to stand in between the police car and my car, which is as he told me later the most dangerous place to stand in a traffic stop. I was getting all the warm fuzzies from him.
He went up to the car and started talking to my girlfriend and I couldn't hear what was going on. Maybe he thought that I was too much of a chump to get a girlfriend and was making sure that she hadn't been abducted. He came back and said, "Well she can't find a current insurance card in your glove box, but you had a bunch in there so I'll let you go this time. Make sure to pay attention to that speed limit drop."
When I got back in the car my girlfriend told me that she had been nervously fumbling trying to look for proof of insurance for me and that finally the cop said, "It's ok, I'll go talk to him about it."
So really it's all due to her that I didn't get a ticket.
2
I was driving down the road one night with a friend of mine. Well, that's not entirely true. I'm sorry readers, I didn't mean to lie to you, at least not this time. My friend Trevor and I had just dropped my then friend, now wife, Kristen off at her house. To do so, I pulled up to the curb on the wrong side of the street so that she wouldn't have to walk across the street. Can I hear an awww? So we started to pull away from the curb to go back home and I notice that there's a police officer coming down the street. So instead of doing a u-turn like I usually do I kept going and took the long way to get back to the main road. The cop was following me all the way. We pull on to the main road and he turns his lights on.
I kept driving because I had taken a driver safety course a few months earlier and they said to always stop in a well lit area so you can tell if it's a real officer. They told us these stories about people being killed by people impersonating police officers. Frankly it scared me a little, so I kept driving. Trevor got worried and asked, "John, what the hell are you doing?"
"Calm down, I know what I'm doing."
Apparently the police officer thought that I didn't because he turned on the spot and motioned for me to pull over right there. I did and he walked up to the car and took my license and insurance. I was a little taken aback because he didn't ask my if I knew why he pulled me over. Mind you, if he had, I wouldn't know how to answer, unless you count the trying to pick me up line as an answer.
He came back and handed me my license back and said, "Sir, I pulled you over because I saw you pull off of the curb from the wrong side of the road when I turned on to it. Now, I had a car stolen awhile back and I thought you might be trying to steal this car."
I knew I should have pulled into a well lit area. This psycho cop who was trying to hunt down all car thieves on a personal vendetta was going to dismember me. All because I pulled onto the road from the wrong side of the street. I tried to think quick, but all I could think of was, "Wow, that sucks."
Apparently that was the right thing because he said, "Yeah, well you guys be careful driving home tonight," though I think I saw him twitching like he was trying to resist the urge to kill me.
Do Not: Expect Co-operation
We used to live on a cul-de-sac that was very close to an elementary school and a middle school. You could literally walk out our front door, look to the left and see the school. So with that in mind, there was a lot of police traffic giving tickets to people who didn't realize or didn't care that there was a school zone. I think that 90% of the day the school zone was in effect.
I was getting ready to drive down the road one day when I noticed that my driveway was blocked by a police car. I went ahead and started my car and backed up a little bit, hoping that he would see me and go ahead and move out of the way. As I pulled back I saw the full scene. There were two cop cars behind a regular car and apparently they were giving a ticket. Let me tell you my theory on multiple cop cars and tickets.
There is no reason that one cop car can't give out a single ticket. I mean, maybe if there were a drug bust or they were chasing a mass murderer who was wanted in 9 states (and in 7 of them by the law), but this was a traffic stop. If there are more than one cop on a traffic stop then they are wasting your taxpayer money. It's basically like the two cops wanted to stop and gab a little bit. Of course, I didn't explain this theory to the officers, again stupid but not that stupid.
I very nicely asked, "Excuse me, could you please move your car up just three feet?"
The officer turned and scowled at me and held out his hand in the shape of a cows horns (don't mess with the bull!) and said, "Not right now."
I pleaded because I was already late for work, "Please, it's just a couple of feet, you wouldn't even have to move your buddy's car."
He appeared not to have noticed the comment about his buddy and said, "Not right now sir, you'll just have to wait."
So I waited and ten minutes later I was allowed to leave my property.
Well that's all the police stories for this column. Stay tuned for even more legal hijynx! It's the law.
Tuesday, March 08, 2005
Recently I went on a cruise with a group of people that I play handbells with. I'm not going to explain that because it would take too long. I thought I would give a report for anyone that might be considering going on a cruise. For those of you who don't have time to read the whole thing I will provide a handy day by day short reference for this:
Day 1: If I make it through today I'll surely die tomorrow.
Day 2: I'm going to die / Town of Cock / Salvation
Day 3: Did I get old?
Day 4: One of the main features of the island is port-o-potties.
Day 5: On the Bus for Some More Deja Vu.
Day 6: I'm Not a Local, Really.
Day 7: How I Nearly Angered the Bingo Parlor.
If that was enough information for everyone then I am glad to be of assistance. If, as I hoped it was, this was a teaser and you need more then please read on! Mind you, I may have the days rougly out of order, but the information should still prove useful to you.
Day 1: If I make it through today I'll surely die tomorrow.
Seasickness is a bad bad thing. I would like to say that I was a big tough man and that I had no such thing as seasickness when I was on the boat. Of course, if I were the type of person to say that I would probably think of something more big and impressive to say about myself than that. How's this: When I'm not lounging around my multimillion dollar estate, I'm cruising the oceans on my 22-story tall yacht. And while I do that, I never get seasick.
In answer to your question, yes I got seasick. Contrary to popular opinion, my seasickness was not filled with a lot of vomiting. I'm sure that most of you just breathed a sigh of relief, because there's nothing more unsettling than a vomit story. Like the one time that I got the stomach flu and, oh wait I almost did it. Despite the lack of vomit I did feel pretty certain that I was soon scheduled for death.
Day2: I'm going to die/Town of Cock/Salvation
The seasickness had not gotten any better and I was about to the point of throwing myself overboard. The only thing stopping me was the voice in the back of my head that told me that being in the sea would not help seasickness. I might have to test this theory one of these days when I have no will to live.
Anne, one of the people on our cruise offered some salvation to me. She said she had some of these patches that she didn't need and if I wanted to try them I could have them. I would have tried crack cocaine if someone told me that it cured seasickness so it should come as no surprise that I accepted. The package said to put on the patch 4 hours before going on the water so I waited until our dock for the day to put it on.
Our stop for that day was Key West. As we were walking around the town I noticed that there were a great many roosters that were hanging out around town. It wasn't like they were in people's yards. They were in the outdoor market, walking down the street, and I think I saw a pair that were betting on a cock fight. Now that's irony. That is why I dub Key West "Town of Cock". As we were walking around the town of Cock, one of the locals noticed that I had the patch on. He came up to me and said, "You know, if you put more than one of those on you'll hallucinate."
I replied with, "Oh really?" while secretly thinking if I could get Anne to give me five more of them. If two will make you hallucinate, I really wanted to know what six would do.
He kept walking and then turned around and said, "Those have truth serum in them."
I wanted to say something witty like, "Oh, then it's probably not my fault when I say that you're a fucking moron and you dress like you're straight out of the eighties. Is this Miami Vice?" but all I did was laugh.
The patch did end up working and I was seasick free for the rest of the week.
Day 3: Did I Get Old?
On board every ship there are two pools and a couple of jacuzzi things. On day three I was taking a break in the hot tub and started looking around. I started with the elderly woman who was asleep in her chair by the pool. I continued on to the seniors that were in the pool. I ended with the old couple that was getting in to the hot tub as I turned.
I'll be the first to say that I'm not agist, but I was really concerned that I had suddenly turned into a geezer who would spend his days counting his liver spots. I honestly had to look at myself to determine if I had somehow gone through a dramatic aging process when I got in the hot tub. I will end the suspense now, dear readers, I did not get old.
Day 4: One of the main features of the island is port-o-potties.
Day 4 isn't really too terribly exiting. We had fun and all, but there isn't anything earth shattering. Kristen and I took a trip to a little island off the coast of Belize that was no bigger than a football field. We were there to snorkel off the beach and other fun stuff like that. The only things on the island were palm trees, a little awning that the locals were barbecuing under to sell to the locals, and two bright yellow port-o-potties. Except for the port-o-potties the island was very picturesque. That doesnt' look right, let's scratch picturesque and put in pretty.
I don't think that anyone really noted how large of a feature these things were except me, so maybe I'm a sucker for the obvious. Or maybe I'm just making something out of nothing for the benefit of the readers.
Day 5: On the Bus for Some More Deja Vu.
The boat stopped in Guatemala and we didn't really have any plans for the day so we just walked off the boat and got hit by a bus.
Ok, so we didn't really get hit by a bus, but I bet some of you were wondering if I wrote this from a hospital bed in a run down hospital in Guatemala. When we got off the bus, there was an airplane hangar like building with a bunch of people selling stuff. You know the kind of stuff that I'm talking about. Here's an example:
"Would you like to buy this beautiful jade turtle for $30?"
"No thanks, not right now."
"How about $20?"
"I might come back later."
"I can give it to you for $15!"
"I'm going to look around and then I'll see you in a minute."
"Ok, $12."
"I'll be back."
"How about $10."
"Ok, I'll buy that."
We walked around there and bought a couple of things and then walked out. We were kind of interested in going to town and we saw a complimentary bus and thought that might take us there. Never trust a complimentary bus. You might not want to trust complimentary busts either, but that's up to you. After a short half-mile or less ride in the bus, we came to what used to be a recreation center that was filled with more people selling the same stuff as where we just left. Deciding that Guatemala was just filled with people that had stuff to sell and would sell it to you for almost any price we left and went back to the boat.
Day 6: I'm Not a Local, Really.
On Day 6 I went out on my own to tour a Mayan ruin. There was an hour and a half or more bus ride to get there, so on the way our tour guide graciously stopped at a gift shop for a rest stop. I was walking around looking at the junk for sail and one of the people that was taking the tour walks up to me and says, "Donde esta la bano?" Now, I probably butchered the spelling, but the intent is still there. He was asking me, in spanish, where the bathroom was. I wanted to reply with, "I'm sorry, I don't speak spanish. Englais?" but someone behind the man answered his question before I could. I found myself wondering if this guy thought that I was one of the locals.
It wasn't until later that I began to get worried about being able to get back on the boat. The tour guid was handing out Subway because lunch was provided on the trip. He was handing them to everyone saying, "Here you go. Here you go. Here you go." and then he got to me and said, "Here, my friend." I wanted to stand up and scream, "I'm not a local!!!" But I let everyone have their fun.
Day 7: How I Nearly Angered the Bingo Parlor.
Our last night at sea I got a little bit tipsy. Our travel agent had provided each person on the trip a bottle of wine. My wife couldn't drink so I had two for myself. I took the two bottles of wine to dinner so that our group could partake in the wine. The one problem was that more people than myself brought their wine so we had three or four bottles of wine at our table for something like three people who were drinking.
So I got tipsy. Later that night there was a big bingo game and the grand prize was around $3000. We went and played. The woman that was calling the numbers wanted everyone to give a hollar to start the game off. So I screamed with everyone. I figured that she would want that enthusiasm carried through the game so I continued to hoot and hollar with every number that she called out.
"B5"
"YEAHHHH!!! TAKE THAT!!!"
"N25"
"ALL RIGHT!!! ROCK ON!!!"
"I31"
"YES!!!"
I didn't realize it, but apparently several of the seniors that were playing bingo didn't take kindly to my yelling and looked like they were ready to throw me in the brig. It's a boat, so it has to have a brig, right?
Well, that's the trip, I hope you have found this informative as well as entertaining.
Day 1: If I make it through today I'll surely die tomorrow.
Day 2: I'm going to die / Town of Cock / Salvation
Day 3: Did I get old?
Day 4: One of the main features of the island is port-o-potties.
Day 5: On the Bus for Some More Deja Vu.
Day 6: I'm Not a Local, Really.
Day 7: How I Nearly Angered the Bingo Parlor.
If that was enough information for everyone then I am glad to be of assistance. If, as I hoped it was, this was a teaser and you need more then please read on! Mind you, I may have the days rougly out of order, but the information should still prove useful to you.
Day 1: If I make it through today I'll surely die tomorrow.
Seasickness is a bad bad thing. I would like to say that I was a big tough man and that I had no such thing as seasickness when I was on the boat. Of course, if I were the type of person to say that I would probably think of something more big and impressive to say about myself than that. How's this: When I'm not lounging around my multimillion dollar estate, I'm cruising the oceans on my 22-story tall yacht. And while I do that, I never get seasick.
In answer to your question, yes I got seasick. Contrary to popular opinion, my seasickness was not filled with a lot of vomiting. I'm sure that most of you just breathed a sigh of relief, because there's nothing more unsettling than a vomit story. Like the one time that I got the stomach flu and, oh wait I almost did it. Despite the lack of vomit I did feel pretty certain that I was soon scheduled for death.
Day2: I'm going to die/Town of Cock/Salvation
The seasickness had not gotten any better and I was about to the point of throwing myself overboard. The only thing stopping me was the voice in the back of my head that told me that being in the sea would not help seasickness. I might have to test this theory one of these days when I have no will to live.
Anne, one of the people on our cruise offered some salvation to me. She said she had some of these patches that she didn't need and if I wanted to try them I could have them. I would have tried crack cocaine if someone told me that it cured seasickness so it should come as no surprise that I accepted. The package said to put on the patch 4 hours before going on the water so I waited until our dock for the day to put it on.
Our stop for that day was Key West. As we were walking around the town I noticed that there were a great many roosters that were hanging out around town. It wasn't like they were in people's yards. They were in the outdoor market, walking down the street, and I think I saw a pair that were betting on a cock fight. Now that's irony. That is why I dub Key West "Town of Cock". As we were walking around the town of Cock, one of the locals noticed that I had the patch on. He came up to me and said, "You know, if you put more than one of those on you'll hallucinate."
I replied with, "Oh really?" while secretly thinking if I could get Anne to give me five more of them. If two will make you hallucinate, I really wanted to know what six would do.
He kept walking and then turned around and said, "Those have truth serum in them."
I wanted to say something witty like, "Oh, then it's probably not my fault when I say that you're a fucking moron and you dress like you're straight out of the eighties. Is this Miami Vice?" but all I did was laugh.
The patch did end up working and I was seasick free for the rest of the week.
Day 3: Did I Get Old?
On board every ship there are two pools and a couple of jacuzzi things. On day three I was taking a break in the hot tub and started looking around. I started with the elderly woman who was asleep in her chair by the pool. I continued on to the seniors that were in the pool. I ended with the old couple that was getting in to the hot tub as I turned.
I'll be the first to say that I'm not agist, but I was really concerned that I had suddenly turned into a geezer who would spend his days counting his liver spots. I honestly had to look at myself to determine if I had somehow gone through a dramatic aging process when I got in the hot tub. I will end the suspense now, dear readers, I did not get old.
Day 4: One of the main features of the island is port-o-potties.
Day 4 isn't really too terribly exiting. We had fun and all, but there isn't anything earth shattering. Kristen and I took a trip to a little island off the coast of Belize that was no bigger than a football field. We were there to snorkel off the beach and other fun stuff like that. The only things on the island were palm trees, a little awning that the locals were barbecuing under to sell to the locals, and two bright yellow port-o-potties. Except for the port-o-potties the island was very picturesque. That doesnt' look right, let's scratch picturesque and put in pretty.
I don't think that anyone really noted how large of a feature these things were except me, so maybe I'm a sucker for the obvious. Or maybe I'm just making something out of nothing for the benefit of the readers.
Day 5: On the Bus for Some More Deja Vu.
The boat stopped in Guatemala and we didn't really have any plans for the day so we just walked off the boat and got hit by a bus.
Ok, so we didn't really get hit by a bus, but I bet some of you were wondering if I wrote this from a hospital bed in a run down hospital in Guatemala. When we got off the bus, there was an airplane hangar like building with a bunch of people selling stuff. You know the kind of stuff that I'm talking about. Here's an example:
"Would you like to buy this beautiful jade turtle for $30?"
"No thanks, not right now."
"How about $20?"
"I might come back later."
"I can give it to you for $15!"
"I'm going to look around and then I'll see you in a minute."
"Ok, $12."
"I'll be back."
"How about $10."
"Ok, I'll buy that."
We walked around there and bought a couple of things and then walked out. We were kind of interested in going to town and we saw a complimentary bus and thought that might take us there. Never trust a complimentary bus. You might not want to trust complimentary busts either, but that's up to you. After a short half-mile or less ride in the bus, we came to what used to be a recreation center that was filled with more people selling the same stuff as where we just left. Deciding that Guatemala was just filled with people that had stuff to sell and would sell it to you for almost any price we left and went back to the boat.
Day 6: I'm Not a Local, Really.
On Day 6 I went out on my own to tour a Mayan ruin. There was an hour and a half or more bus ride to get there, so on the way our tour guide graciously stopped at a gift shop for a rest stop. I was walking around looking at the junk for sail and one of the people that was taking the tour walks up to me and says, "Donde esta la bano?" Now, I probably butchered the spelling, but the intent is still there. He was asking me, in spanish, where the bathroom was. I wanted to reply with, "I'm sorry, I don't speak spanish. Englais?" but someone behind the man answered his question before I could. I found myself wondering if this guy thought that I was one of the locals.
It wasn't until later that I began to get worried about being able to get back on the boat. The tour guid was handing out Subway because lunch was provided on the trip. He was handing them to everyone saying, "Here you go. Here you go. Here you go." and then he got to me and said, "Here, my friend." I wanted to stand up and scream, "I'm not a local!!!" But I let everyone have their fun.
Day 7: How I Nearly Angered the Bingo Parlor.
Our last night at sea I got a little bit tipsy. Our travel agent had provided each person on the trip a bottle of wine. My wife couldn't drink so I had two for myself. I took the two bottles of wine to dinner so that our group could partake in the wine. The one problem was that more people than myself brought their wine so we had three or four bottles of wine at our table for something like three people who were drinking.
So I got tipsy. Later that night there was a big bingo game and the grand prize was around $3000. We went and played. The woman that was calling the numbers wanted everyone to give a hollar to start the game off. So I screamed with everyone. I figured that she would want that enthusiasm carried through the game so I continued to hoot and hollar with every number that she called out.
"B5"
"YEAHHHH!!! TAKE THAT!!!"
"N25"
"ALL RIGHT!!! ROCK ON!!!"
"I31"
"YES!!!"
I didn't realize it, but apparently several of the seniors that were playing bingo didn't take kindly to my yelling and looked like they were ready to throw me in the brig. It's a boat, so it has to have a brig, right?
Well, that's the trip, I hope you have found this informative as well as entertaining.