When I was little I always wanted to be a member of some club or another. I think I was just too lazy to fulfill whatever the requirements for it were. I mean, have you ever seen the forms that these places require? I was thinking about that recently and decided that I should start a club or two of my own with entrance requirements so low that almost anyone can join. So here's the ideas, send me an e-mail or write a comment if you have interest in joining.


Fly Hunters

This is actually what got the whole club idea started in my head again. I was in the kitchen and there were a couple of flys hanging out and bothering the hell out of me. I grabbed the flyswatter and quickly made work out of one of them (translation: I swung about fifty times before I hit one and even then it didn't kill it, fifty more times and I had a dead one).

I thought to myself, gee I should get a trophy or something for killing that fly. Then I came upon the idea for the club. The only membership requirement for the club is that you bring a dead fly for registration. It doesn't even have to be one that you killed yourself. Just go and find one that died in your garage or that was caught in a spider web and bring him in. Hell, if you have a larger dead insect I'll still let you in, like I said the requirements are lax.

So you might be asking yourself, why the hell would I want to be a member of the Championship Fly Hunting Club? I have asked myself that many times, but there are a variety of membership benefits. The first is hunting parties. Imagine the fright put into flys as our entire membership (2)tries to hunt them down and kill them. Second is that you will have access to a taxidermist to preserve your fly trophies forever. Not to mention all the women you will attract with your Championship Fly Hunting Club blazer. This bright orange blazer with the official logo is sure to attract the women.


Expired

Do you like to live dangerously? Do you look at the expiration date on your milk and scoff? Do you think that the expiration date on a two year old can of french peas is just a dare? If so, then SPEED might just be for you. If you like to eat things after their expiration date has expired then SPEED can provide you a wonderful opportunity to interact with people just like you.

What is SPEED you may ask. The Society of People that Enjoy Expired Dairy (and other food products) is a group of people that believes that the expiration dates on various food and drug products is just a conspiracy by manufacturers to sell more products. Right now you are in luck. Due to several recent deaths due to unexplained food poisoning our numbers have slightly shrunk. We are looking for new members and this might just be the organization for you!

Admittance into speed is simple. All that you must do is simply prove that you have the capability to eat or drink an expired food or drug product. Do you have a jug of milk that might be a day or two beyond the sell by date? That's good enough for us!

There are many benefits to being in SPEED. We have a frequent visitors card at most major hospitals. By being a member you can buy expired products from our exclusive warehouse. The warehouse has deals with most major grocery chains where we buy expired products at pennies on the dollar, we pass the savings on to you!


So those are just a couple of the clubs that I have in my brain. I have many many more just waiting for members and maybe I will write about them later. Until then, let me know if you would like to join either of these fine clubs that are available to you.

Sometimes I like to look back and rejoice in the uncomfortableness that I have caused myself or been caused by others. Everyone has those moments, but not everyone will put them all on the table for you like I would. I'm just that kind of guy.

Lesbins

For the first year or more that I knew Kristen's dad he only said about a sum total of three words to me. I'm being generous here because I can only think of two: "Hey" and "John", sometimes used together and sometimes separately. But only those two words.

I do distinctly remember the first actual conversation that I had with him that involved more than those words. We were sitting at the dinner table and just out of nowhere he started:

"I was watchin this show on the Discovery Channel the other day about Eskimoes"

A little shocked, I responded,"Oh really?"

"Yeah, apparently if you're travelling across the snow and everything up there and you come across an Eskimo if he offers his wife for you to sleep with then you better do it. It's considered a big insult if you don't."

I replied,"Is it like he won't put you on his Christmas card list or he's going to kill you?"

He answered,"Oh no, they'll kill you because it's such a big insult."

Kristen threw chaos into the conversation,"Well, what if you're a woman, will he still offer or are there different customs for that?"

Fred thought for a second and then said, "Well, I guess if you're a lesbin that's alright."

I didn't know whether to laugh or cry at the prospects of discussing lesbians with the man who up until this point had said only those two words to me.


Sexual Instruction

This next one doesn't really involve me, but I figured I have written about me enough today. This was relayed to me by Stuart, but I'm going to add in my little comments as we go along.

Stuart and a friend of his were driving around in the front seat of a car while another friend, we'll call him Matumbo, was in the back seat with his girl friend. He was trying to have sex with his girlfriend, we'll call her Kanesha, while they were driving. First off, how poor are you that you can't even rent your friends car to have sex in the back seat instead of just doing it while he's there. Second off, I said "trying".

After hearing the two swapping slobber, then the sound of zippers, so on and so forth in the back seat Stuart heard Kanesha say, "Oh, stop it, you're doing it all wrong."

How do you explain to your friends that situation. I have a couple of suggestions, should this happen to you:

1. Be truthful: "Oh man, I was trying to stick my dick in her ear just to see what would happen and she didn't like it."

2. Be bold: "Dude, I'm so huge that it just seems like I'm doing it wrong when I'm doing it right."

3. Be stupid: "I dont know, I stuck it in there and felt like I should go side to side instead of thrusting. It just felt good that way."

I'm sure that Matumbo didn't have my expert guidance at this time. I can't imagine the silence that was in that car after that phrase was uttered.

Now you can feel a little better about your awkward moments because you have seen others at their worst. If you have a great moment that you want to have everyone know about, shoot me an email at the contact link over to the left.

I was talking to some people just now and thought of a new product idea. It's one that probably won't happen unless I do it. It got me thinking a little more about some products out there that could be made and marketed and would probably do well, but for the fact that companies are too conservative for them. For those that have money and drive to do this stuff, here is a listing of some of the ways to get you more money.

Subliminal Porn

Every day I hear or see something about porn. Whether it's the constant junk mail that I get, someone joking about looking it up, or someone actually looking it up and talking about it. I got to thinking that with all this momentum for porn (I'm pretty sure that this site is one of five that does not have porn pics or the Paris Hilton Sex Video posted) it's a huge vehicle for product placement and other types of subliminal advertising. Here's just a few examples that I have thought up for this method:

The Pop Up: No, this isn't like a pop up ad or anything like that. If anyone has seen pop up videos, it will be kind of like that. Let's say that there's a four way gang bang going on in a bedroom. There will be a little pop up that points to the comforter that says, "Pottery Barn: $265" and then to the lamp, "Pier One Imports: $35," if the actor is so inclined to wear a condom, "Trojan: $5". Make the porn entertaining as well as informative. Ever wondered how the actress puts on the makeup to give her that hooker look, they can have popups to tell the brand and shades of makeup she is using.

Subliminal: This is a little tougher and a little sneakier. Basically you link products to the actors activity. Stuff like, "You can screw me, but first you have to screw me with a snickers bar." Or my favorite, during the climax scene (this would be the premium spot) have the actress scream out the name of a product, like:

"Pepsi! Pepsi! PEPSI!"

or

"DELL! Gimme some Dell! I want a big hard drive!" (yes, I know hard drive sexual innuendo is cliche but I couldn't help it.)

or

"ZYBAN! ZYBAN!"

The possibilities are endless, and since a good portion of porn watchers try to masturbate and climax with the video then the product name will be ingrained in their head with a pleasurable experience. Perfect Marketing.

Adult Products

Ok, I know what you're thinking, sex on the brain, but this is a really good idea. Check it out. Chances are, you have a pen with someone's corporate logo. You may have picked it up at a convention or maybe at your doctor's office. Maybe you just stole it from your co-workers office. Almost every company makes pens with their logo or name on them, so I propose that we do the same thing with adult products.

Wouldn't you like to buy your girl a vibrator with one of these on the side of it:

"Beef, It's what's for dinner."

or (and this one is application specific too)

"Energizer - The power to keep you going and going..."

And how about buying condoms for your guy with the following promotions on it:

"Swanson's Hungry Man - Half a Pound of Beef"

or

"Can't get enough of Starkist Tuna."

Yeah, the last one was kind of childish, but that's me. You can branch this whole line of of marketing off to other products such as dildos, cock rings, pocket vaginas, whatever the mind can imagine.

So you can see that there are all sorts of untapped ideas for marketing some of those big products out there looking for untapped markets. All it takes is the right person to put it out there.