Every channel has one and I think I am going to start my own. Reality shows are everywhere and much like everyone is going to have their own talk show in the next ten years, everyone will have their own reality show in five. I watch some of the shows that are out now (yes, shake your head in disgust at me, I know) and I pay attention to the trailers for others and I think I may have come up with a pretty thorough guide for surviving the reality show. Here's a few tips from it and what shows they kind of pertain to.

1. (Survivor) If you find that you have made it to the final challenge where you have to basically stand and touch something and wait until can no longer touch it (that almost sounds kind of sexual) then here's what you do. Shit your pants, hopefully the stench from your fish fed poop will make everyone else in the challenge flee in terror. If that doesn't work then dab your finger in the feces running down your leg and try and touch it to the other contestants.

2. (Any reality show) All of these shows have camera crews. And every camera man has his weakness. Simply find out what that is and exploit it to see what other people in the show are doing. Whether it's sexual favors, a piece of the winnings, shiny things, or anything else, stop at nothing to get the camera man on your side.

3. (Dating Shows) There's a lot of dating shows out there now who's entire purpose is to dupe the contestants into either a fake contest or something they weren't expecting. Take my advice, trust nothing. If you get to a point where the host hands you a check for a lot of money for surviving the trials of the show, simply spit in her face. The money is fake!

4. (American Idol) Let's face it, if you were really meant to be on this show then someone other than you would have told you that you were fantastic. In fact many other people would have told you that. Really the only reason that people try out for this is that they want to be on tv. Since you know that you're not bad, but you know you're not good enough to make it to the end, just sing the worst that you can imagine singing. At least then you will make it to tv on the "What were they thinking" reel.

5. (Survivor) Research natural poisons. Then when you get to whatever camp you are in, find the poison source in the wild and secretly poison everyone just enough so that they feel ill but aren't going to die. Then you will be a shoe in for every challenge that you face. There's nothing illegal about that, right?

6. (All) Act like the reality show is actually just a normal tv show with a script. When someone says something you don't like, tell them that it wasn't the right line and hollar cut! at the camera crew. Ask for the script writer to see if you could beef up your part some. If you do it for the entirety of the show, someone might actually believe you.

7. (Dating Shows) Try and convince the other participants that there's a really big twist at the end and that the twist is that you're gay and they are all secretly trying to vie for your affections. The guy/girl that everyone is going for is just a red herring.

8. (All Shows) Lie constantly. The bigger the lie the better. Make hugely unbelievable lies like, "I'm the owner of a circus, my biggest attraction right now is a woman that cut off her own legs and arms and then sewed them back on in the wrong places, all by herself!" Keep on telling them huge lies and make yourself look a little crazy and then drop an occasional lie that might just be real, "My doctor said that this show would be good for my rehabilitation and that if I make it through without hurting anyone that I could be released from the hospital."

9. (All Shows) Try and smuggle in a video camera and act like part of the camera crew for as long as everyone will believe that you are. The longer that they believe you're a camera man the longer you don't get kicked off the show!

10. (Survivor) Wear clothes that are edible. That way when things get tough you can just eat your clothes. You should probably make sure that you are attractive and have a body that people want to look at before you go with this one, but that's up to you.

Well, that's my suggestions, for anyone out there that is looking to enter the world of reality tv follow these and you will surely succeed.

I think it was Kristen's cousin, though I really can't remember. We'll call it Kristen's cousin. Kristen's cousin (can I say Kristen's Cousin any more?) was getting married, we'll call him Tony and his fiancee/soon to be wife we will call Angela (get the nice Who's the Boss theme going there), and we were in attendance. It was an interesting occasion for all.

Fellowship Church, Inc.

I would like to start by describing the monolithic building that they call a church. It honestly looks like they took a megaplex movie theatre, bought it out, added some more rooms on to it and called it a church. You walk in and see plasma screens tvs everywhere (these things cost several thousand dollars a pop). They have a massive hot tub behind the church for baptisms and I'm sure for pastor booty calls. The point is that this thing was huge and people that give money to that church are pretty much not giving it to give back to the community, they're giving it to fund the corporation that is Fellowship Church. Let's move on to bigger and brighter things.


Perfect Together if He Likes Spending Money

During the service they broke from traditional church type services and showed a video on one of the many video projection screens. The video was basically footage of Tony and Angela running around a large mall and Tony sat on benches while Angela went and bought large amounts of shoes, clothes, and other things.

After the video the pastor, minister, whatever you call him, came back up and said that you could see by the video that Tony and Angela were good for each other. The impression that I came away with was: as long as Tony has a well paying job and doesn't mind every dime he makes being spent then he'll be ok.


Secret Spittle

After the wedding we went to a reception at this museum/theatrey type place. My nephews and neices were there and we sat next to them as we ate. After eating Brandi looked at me and said, "I think someone just spit on my foot."

I smirked for a second and said, "Are you sure it was spit and not just a drink being spilled?"

"I'm pretty sure it was spit."

I put my finger up to my mouth as if to silence her and said, "Oh wait, I think I may know who did it, I saw her looking kind of suspicious a little earlier."

"Who?"

"Well, you can't just look over there or you will call too much attention to yourself. Be calm and cool about it. She's to your right. She's kind of short and is wearing a white dress. She looks like she might be the mean type," I informed her.

Slowly Brandi turned then she exclaimed, "Uncle John! That's the flower girl, she's like 9!."

"Yeah, but she's got that look about her. Sure she looks sweet and innocent, but she has an evil side to her. I bet she could kill if someone got on her bad side. I don't think I would confront her about the spit."

She replied with, "I don't think so."

I told her, "Well, maybe I'm a little off base, but I won't stop until we find the true perpetrator of this crime. We will find the owner of the spit." I surveyed the room a little bit and found someone else to direct her attention to, "Oh wait, I think I have it this time. This is the real deal."

"Where?" she practically exclaimed.

"Another woman in a white dress. She's up towards the front of the room right now, but you have to look there's a lot of people milling about her and it's sometimes hard to get a good look at her."

"That's the bride! How could she have spit from all the way over there and hit my foot?"

I paused and then said, "Well, maybe she has good skills when it comes to that. Maybe that's why Tony fell in love with her."

"No, that's not it, she didn't do it."

I almost interrupted her when I said, "Wait! Wait! That's him, right behind you. He was sitting at the table with us earlier tonight, that's proof enough for me, he is the owner of the spit."

Kristen then piped in, "I was wondering when you were going to notice him, I practically saw him spit on you. He had sort of a contemptuous look on his face when he did it. I don't think he liked you."

Brandi's mouth dropped open in amazement. She wasn't going to trust it from me, but now that Kristen had put her two cents she looked as if she was seriously considering it, "Are you serious?"

I popped back into the conversation, "I'm pretty certain of it, and I don't say that too often. I think you should walk up to him and confront him. Ask him what his problem is."

Brandi shot back, "You go confront him, he's kind of scary looking."

"It wasn't my foot! If you're just gonna live your life letting people spit on you then that's your decision, but that's not the course I would take."

Kristen then said, "He's got a point, you can't let people do that to you, you have to go and make a stand for your foot. You don't know what kind of mouth that guy has!"

The conversation went back and forth like that for some time with Brandi waffling back and forth about whether she should approach him or not. In the end she didn't, but occasionally she still mentions it to us and we shake our heads in disgust.

Maybe some of you are sick of hearing drunk stories from me. Some of you probably think that I am just a continual drunk from the amount of stories that I have posted on here involving alcohol. Personally I think that the drunk stories are a fallback when I can think of nothing else to write. It just happens that the times that I do go out drinking I usually end up with an interesting story or five. I wanted to make a short compilation of some of the shorter stories because I don't want to dwell on any one for too long, so here they are:

Kill Whitey

I had been drinking for some time at a party in the middle of the middle of nowhere (that's really nowhere for those of you counting). I walked into the house that the party was at intending to go to the bathroom on something besides myself when Chris Krambeck stopped me.

Chris said, "What do you think Johnny?"

I replied, "Well I don't know, what am I thinking about" (add appropriate slurs and lack of balance, I had been drinking for quite awhile)

"Do you think that white people are better shots than other races?"

I said, "I'll take a shot!" and a cheer went up among the people that were standing there, but I was no closer to getting my shot (or a place to pee).

Chris laughed and said, "No, like better aim shooting a gun."

"Ohhh," I paused for a second, thinking about my drunken reply, "Well, we are the warmongering assholes who have to pick a fight with everyone so yes, kill whitey. And to answer your question I guess so."

I should probably mention that the group that was standing listening to Krambeck's conversation was a very diverse group. I won't go into who all was there but it was diverse and several people laughed at what I said, so I decided to continue.

"I mean, look at us, every time I turn around white George Bush is sending us into some other battle. It's a damn shame, kill whitey."

I got a couple of shouts of agreement from several people and I took that opportunity to make my escape to the bathroom. The rest of the night I would randomly scream that we were warmongering assholes or to kill whitey at various random people. I think I was almost asked to leave.


Dude They're Smokin Out

Brian had come over to the house to have some drinks and after awhile of sitting outside we came into the living room and someone noticed the car out in front of the neighbors house.

Kristen said, "That's probably that guy's girlfriend, his parents aren't there so she's over all the time."

Brian replied, "Whoa, they let their teenage son stay there?"

"Yeah, they're selling the house and I'm sure it's some sort of agreement like he has to clean the house or something."

I piped in, "Are they getting high?"

"Probably so, and they probably have the good stuff from the looks of that house," Kristen replied with a grin on her face.

Brian laughed and said, "Cool."

The night went on for a little bit and the neighbors and their pot was forgotten for a little bit. An hour or so later it came back into my mind.

"We should totally go over there and see if they have pot."

Brian answered,"Why?"

I thought for a second and then said, "Because it would scare them. Wouldn't that be damn cool?"

"Okay."

I headed out the door. No one followed until a couple of minutes later when Brian came into view. I was just standing outside of the house. It was something like one in the morning and all of the lights were out.

Brian egged me on, "So are you gonna go up there?"

"I don't know, all the lights are out."

"Well, that's just because they don't want anyone to see them smoking."

I thought and then said, "You have a point. Maybe I should go up there," I walked a little closer to the house and then paused, "But maybe they're asleep and then they would call the cops on us or something."

"Yeah, you're probably right."

So we chickened out and went back indoors to discuss the feasibility of IHOP starting a delivery service.


Rat Bastard

This one's not really about me, but it should be entertaining. My cousin was getting married in Buffalo, NY and my family went up as guests. This meant that my brother in law (search for cock rock christmas) was going to be there as well. They served alcohol at the reception and Chris got a little tanked.

Since we were in New York he and I had decided to throw back little quips in fake New York accents at each other. Stuff like (picture in New York accent), "Paul, you retarded bastard get me a glass of water!"

It came time to leave the reception and I was riding in the car with my sister, Chris, and my cousin (sister to the cousin getting married). Jennifer hadn't seen any of us in awhile and was sitting in the back seat with Chris and I think she was a little concerned because he just periodically would scream about Paul and the glass of water or just say, "Rat Bastard".

On the way home we took a wrong exit and got on a toll road. We had no money and were on a toll road, this was great. Julie pulled up to the toll booth and explained our situation while Jennifer and I tried, and failed, to keep Chris from screaming out RAT BASTARD! Regardless of the outburst we were let through and made it home. Here's to you ya rat bastards.