I am a huge geek. A monumental dork. A distinguished dweeb. Those three short phrases will sum me up in any conversation. If you keep that in mind, you can understand why I would want to go on a game show. Game shows are like nirvana for geeks. The one safe haven in popular culture where they are rewarded for their geeky qualities. The geekier that you are the better that you will probably be at game shows.

I found out there were tryouts for the Weakest Link just three or four hours from my home. I jumped at the opportunity to pack up my family and head down to make a fool of myself. I mean, make money. No, make a fool of myself sounds better, let's use that one. The show that I was trying out for was the syndicated version of weakest link. You know, the one with the guy that tries to look and act like the woman in the normal version of the show.

The tryout started out kind of like a cattle herd. There were probably somewhere between fifty and a hundred people crammed into a conference room at a hotel. The proctor (is that what you should call it? I always want to say gamble after that) told everyone about the rules. Stuff like you couldn't be on another game show within a year of being on this game show, if you're a reporter then you shouldn't write, I really didn't pay attention to most of what they were saying so if you hear anything about me potentially going to jail then please let me know and I will promptly flee the country.

Next, they wanted to introduce everyone. They had each person stand up and tell a little something about themselves. What they were actually doing was looking for something that makes you stand out so that they could have interesting people on the show. Yes, I was fighting an uphill battle. Words cannot describe the boredom that ensued. During the next 5 hours (it could have been less, it seemed like 20) I got to hear about people's lives, pets, and other things. Here's a small excerpt:

"Hi, my name is Bill. I was born in Killeen Texas in 1932 and had a pretty normal childhood, though my parents would have you believe that it was anything but normal. I went to high school at Killeen High School where I was the backup quarterback for the football team. I only got to play one game as the backup quarterback and we lost miserably but that would be one of my most memorable moments. After I graduated high school, my sweet heart, Vernice, and I got married. We decided that the best thing to do would be buy a pig farm. We farmed pigs for 25 years and decided that we had had enough of that and retired from pig farming. We do things here and there now, but nothing really substantial of note. That's pretty much me."

Now imagine that times 20, because there were at least 20 people in the room with a story just like or very similar to this. That last sentence does bring something to mind. Almost everyone there was unemployed. Person after person said that they were unemployed. I felt like I was in a commercial or something where the message was: "If you're looking for a job, get the hell out of Austin!". I swear to you that the only employed people in the room were either: A) phone sex operators B) nudie bar bouncers or C) Cigar store owners. Adult oriented business in Austin must be booming.

At any rate, it came to me. I told my little story about trying to sneak into the back stage of a Poison concert (see also: Storming the Gates). I was overly dramatic. I screamed fuck, I yelled shit and I thought surely they would either want me or want to throw me out. I seriously considered jumping up on top of the table and yelling at people as I did it, but I was sure that if I did that I would break my ankle or something equally tragic. After I got through telling my story, the guy next to me stood up and said, "Well, I was going to stand up and say that everyone here is a prude, but then this guy started talking," and pointed at me. I felt quite good at that.

All the introductions finished and we took a little ten question test with a variety of fairly easy questions and then had a break.

We were called back in and the people that made the cut were escorted to another room. Luckily I made that cut. We then grouped in a couple of groups of ten and had a little test run weakest link competition in front of a video camera. We again each told a short story about ourselves. I told a different story, I didn't scream fuck, I didn't yell shit, I didn't climb on the furniture, but maybe I should have. I find that cursing and furniture climbing really makes people like me. So we did our question round and then had to vote one person off and say your reason. My mind dried up like a slug in the sun. I couldn't think of a reason that was entertaining. I just said that it was because he answered his questions wrong. I should have said something like, "Well, I was gonna vote for this girl next to me, but all these people voted for him and I wanted to see him cry having everyone vote for him, so I changed my mind." or "The conspiracy told me that all people with brown hair must be destroyed, so I voted for him." or "It matters not who I vote for, I shall prevail" or some other stupid comment that would have been more entertaining than what I said.

As you can tell from the end of this, I didn't actually make it on to the show. I choked in the end. I still have a dream of making it into geek haven, and I will continue to try. This show, however, has gone on without me.