A good friend of mine is getting ready to go into military service and I thought it would be a good idea to go ahead and write a column about him so that when he gets thrown into military prison for puking on a high ranking officer's flower garden in a drunken binge I have something for the lawyers to look at when they ask me to be a character reference. I'll say, "I'd love to be a witness for him, but I think you should read this first." I don't, after all, want to be the deciding factor for him getting deserved punishment.

I'm a Vegetarian Damn It!

Recently Levi went out with some friends of his to dinner. There was much discussion on where to go and finally someone suggested that they go to Saltgrass Steakhouse. Levi answered by saying, "Man that's fucking rude."

One of the people looked at him and said, "What?"

"I'm a fucking vegetarian and you want me to go to a steakhouse with you? How inconsiderate are you?"

After that, the group decided that they would go somewhere that would accommodate a vegetarian diet. They sat down and ordered as anyone at a restaurant does. After their food arrived and Levi started to eat his big juicy steak one of his friends turned to him and said, "Hey man, when did you become a vegetarian?"


I'll Meet You Back at the Apartment

Levi turned to me and said, "Hey, they just got a bunch of new computers up at the lab at school."

"That's cool, I wish I had the money to afford that stuff," I replied.

Levi smiled as he said, "I've got it. You and Jason go up to the lab and you can smash the window in. Then Jason can grab the computers."

Jason "I'll Throw You Over the Balcony" Alexander asked, "So what are you going to be doing?"

"I'll met you back at the apartment." That's what Levi would always do, he would make up these bizarre and usually complicated plots and then end would always entail meeting him back at the apartment.

As some of you might know it is now my goal to get all of my friends and acquaintances to have a quote that I can handily insert between first and last names. (Mine will probably be something like: John "I think I'm Cool but really I'm not" Welsh or something else, I'll have to work on that to find something that sounds sort of cool but really self degrading. I'll figure it out.) At any rate, I am pleased to announce that I am donning Levi as: Levi "I'll Meet you Back at the Apartment" Taylor. Congratulations Levi, it's your day. Something like that.


Dancing

My sister had convinced Levi, Jason and I to go dancing with her. I should rephrase. My sister convinced Jason to go dancing with her because he kind of liked her, and then she and Jason somehow convinced Levi and I. This was before any of the three of us had turned 21 so Levi and Jason decided that they should start getting drunk before we got there so that they would feel better about being on the dance floor. About half an hour before leaving they sat around the little table in Jason's dining room taking shots of Jagermeister.

It came time to leave and Jason stood up and gave a shout that he was ready to go. Levi jumped up, threw his fists into the air and was about to shout. Noise did not, however come out of his mouth. The half hour worth of liquor that he had been drinking plus some dinner that he had came out instead and spilled all over the table. It sounds sick, but it was actually quite funny to watch. It really looked like he did it on purpose, the timing was that perfect. Despite the throw up Levi still came out with us and the only other significant thing I remember from the night was having to roll down the windows in the car every few minutes due to exhaust seeping in.


Pretty in Blue

One of our friends was moving out of her apartment and Levi, Stuart, myself, and others were helping her. Levi commented on many of the clothing items that were being taken out how he would look nice in them and everything and finally Jeannie told him that he should try it on. He said that he would and he would walk around in it for awhile in exchange for a case of beer.

The item was a blue sequined short form fitting dress. He put it on and wore it. That's not the scary part. The scary part is that it actually fit him pretty well. I still wonder to this day if he had worn it before and knew it would fit.


Condoms!

A group of people went to Wal-Mart or Sam's Club or some other store like that. There were somewhere in the neighborhood of eight of us, so if we had been at a mall we would have been considered a gang and asked to leave. Each of us had our own things to buy so we split up for a little while and gradually met up with each other again later.

When I saw Levi again he had a family size box of condoms. I don't know if it was actually called a family size, but that would be pretty damn funny if it was. "Condoms for every member of your family". At any rate, this kind of threw me. I had never really seen Levi go out with anyone. In fact I had never even heard about anything like that. I just assumed that he didn't get out a lot and therefore wouldn't need a family pack of condoms. Maybe he really was a ladies man and none of us knew about it.

It wasn't until we joined back up with the rest of the group that I realized what the actual plan was. Here's what the casual observer would have heard walking behind us:

"Hey Julie, do you want some condoms!" as Levi shouts to her partway across the store.

"Hey Jen, how about you, do you want some condoms?"

"I've got condoms for everyone, come get them!"

This actually continued well after we had gotten home and several weeks after that. Every new person that we would run across he would offer condoms to. That is my story about how generous he is.


Midget Wrestling.

"Hey man, what are you doing tonight?" Levi asked over the phone.

I replied, "I dunno man, prolly just hanging around. Didn't really have anything planned."

"Shit man, you need to come with us to midget wrestling tonight. Me and about six other people are going."

I paused for a second and then said, "Hell, you told me about that last week and I thought you were trying to fuck with me. When is it?"

He told me the details and I said that I would meet them there later that night. I got stuck in traffic on the way there that night and called him to tell him that I would be late but he was already there and due to all the noise he couldn't hear a word I said.

About twenty minutes later he called and said, "Dude, don't come to midget wrestling, these fuckers got us kicked out."

"What? How did they get you kicked out?"

"Two of these fuckers decided that they should jump in the ring and start beating up on the ref and the wrestlers. One of them got caught and the other got away and we got kicked out as a group."

I thought and then said, "Well, did they at least get their asses kicked by the midgets?" because I so love a midget ass kicking.

"No man, they mostly concentrated on the ref and then the cops got them. It's fucked up."

I met up with them later that night at another location where I heard the events described several times to me. Levi passed out at around 9 PM so that's mostly the end of that story.


That's all I have right now for Levi. I have several other stories that I may write later, but I have to get to it first. Hope you enjoyed!