You get the calls all the time. People wanting you to attend a seminar for timeshares in Rapid City, South Dakota. Or maybe it's someone wanting to know if you need your gutters cleaned. I have even gotten ones where they supposedly want to enter me in a contest but in order to do that they will need my credit card number. Telemarketers are everywhere. With that in mind, I have gone ahead and compiled this handy reference on how to deal with telemarketers on a case by case basis. My end goal wasn't really to make the telemarketers stop calling, because where one stops five more pop up. My real goal here is to help you have fun when you get the telemarketing calls. Some of these are techniques that I have heard done, some I have done myself and there are even others that I have thought up but not done. I'm not gonna say which is which, it's more fun that way.


Fire
"Hello?"

"Hello is mister Welsh there?" the voice on the other side of the phone said.

"Yes, this is he."

"This is Tammy from American Consolidated siding. I would like to talk to you about your home's need for durable long lasting siding."

"That's great! I was hoping a siding company would call me. I really need information! Can you help me out?"

So the woman on the other end of the line went through about a ten minute talk about the benefits of siding. I was attentive and acting very interested. She came to the point where she tried to close the sale and I said, "Ian? What are you doing with those matches? Don't light me on fire, you know I'm flammable. AHHH AHHH AHH AHH!!!"

-Click-


Illiterate
"Hello"

"Hi this is Tom from the Dallas Morning News. We're running a special for Sunday delivery and I was wondering if you would be-"

I interrupted, "No."

"But sir, with this offer you would get a full month of having the Dallas Morning News at no cost. At the end of that month you will continue to receive the Sunday edition at the regular sunday cost." I really hate it when people do that, you don't have to do anything to get charged more money! Yay!

I replied, "It really wouldn't do me any good, I think you're wasting your time."

He pressed on, "Well sir, the Morning News is more that just politics and police action. There's an entertainment section, a home and lifestyle section, and there's even a section for automobile enthusiasts. Doesn't that sound interesting? Can I get you signed up to receive your free month trial of the Dallas Morning News Sunday Edition?"

"It does sound riveting, but I don't think you understand that I can't read."

He didn't even take a second. This guy was purely by the book, "Well sir, is there anything that I can do to get you to accept our free offer?"

"Well, if you could come to my house every Sunday and read it to me then I guess I would accept."

This time there was a pause on the other end of the line, "Sir, I can't do that. I have family that I like to spend time with."

"Then I guess we're done."

He was kind of timid sounding this time, "Oh-ok."


Selling
"Hello?"

"Hello sir, and congratulations. We'd like to offer you a wonderful deal on cleaning your gutters."

I lied, "But I don't have any gutters."

He replied, "Ok, thank you for your time sir."

"Wait a second, I would like to talk to you. As I can see, you are a telemarketer. But are you a good telemarketer? Many people work for years in telemarketing and never achieve their full potential. That's why I have developed a comprehensive telemarketing training system written for telemarketers by me, the five time telemarketer of the year at MarketSource. You can get "Sell It Now!" for three easy payments of $19.95. Would you like to purchase it today?"

"Well I'm not really supposed to conduct personal business while I'm at work." he said, obviously wanting to get off the phone.

"I realize that. That's a smart policy for your supervisors to apply. This however isn't just personal it's also business. I'm sure that they wouldn't mind you using some of your work time to invest in the training that has helped telemarketers across the globe increase their productivity by up to 5000%! Do you think that they would mind that?"

"No."

"And I'm sure that you want to improve your financial situation. Or are you happy with how much you currently make at this job?"

"Well, no, not really."

"Then it's a win win situation! You can make your supervisors happy with your performance while making yourself happy with the added income. This is a patented selling system, you're not going to find this anywhere else! Let's get your credit card number and we can get you started today!"

This time he actually sounded like he was sad he couldn't do it, "I would love to, but money's kind of tight right now. Could I give you a number to contact me at in a month and I would like to buy it then."

"Sure thing."


Well, that's it for now, but if you have any good telemarketing stories, let me know and I will see if I can put together another column of this stuff. Until then have fun!