I was thinking the other day about weddings. It seems almost as if when you start getting invited to the bulk of the weddings that you will go to you have reached the boundary where you are officially an adult. Sure you've been legally able to get snokkered on your own, but you're not actually an adult adult until you start going to all of your friend's weddings. Here are a few stories about some of the weddings that I have made it to in the past few years (notice that all the columns now are no longer one story but a compilation of several? That's a little technique that I'd like to call laziness.).

A friend of Kristen's was getting married and we were invited. Apparently they had some troubles finding a minister so they took the first one available. First off, the ceremony was the longest that I have ever seen, and I was raised Catholic so that's saying a lot. If you want to make a Catholic shut up tell them that you're going to take them to a wedding and make them sit through the whole thing. I digress, listening to this minister was like having a lesson in life.

For instance, I never knew that women were not insuperior, heck I didn't even know that insuperior was a word. Also, fish fly through the air and birds swim in the sea. Not only that, he told all of their wedding guests about sex and how people come together. Married people should make love, did you know that? This man ranks as my hero for talking about sex in a wedding and for inventing the word insuperior. Somebody send him a plaque. I will never forget the things that he has taught to me.

Let's skip a couple years ahead and a few months ago. A friend of mine that works in my office was getting married. I should clarify, he was already married but he was going to have a ceremony for everyone to come to. He was having some troubles finding a minister on short notice (there seems to be a theme of that) so I came up to him and told him that if he was really hard up that I would do that for him. I was half serious (one quarter joking and one quarter drunk) and he said that he might take me up on it. A few days later he said that if I was still open to the idea that he would like to have me perform the ceremony. I said, "I hope you know what I'm going to say, because I sure don't." At the news that I was to perform a wedding ceremony, God had a heart attack. He was in stable condition and has had a full recovery.

I was given a script to go through and I did. The day of the reception arrived and as I was walking up to his apartment, Julio came up to me and said, "Hey John, I don't think I told you, but to my mom you're a real minister because she doesn't know that we're married yet."

A little shocked, I said ok and then came up to the apartment to meet the family that I would be deceiving. Everyone was really nice to the "preacher man" and at first it was just like a simple gathering of people. There was food and drink and kids running around all over the place and there was the question. Yep, the question. It happened as I was turning around from putting my drink on the counter. Julio's mom was there and she said, "So, John, are you associated with a congregation."

I floundered, my heart rate went up and my face got all sweaty, I think I may have screamed "SANCTUARY!" But in the end I said, "I'm not really affiliated with anyone right now, but I used to be associated with a non-denominational church in Tennessee before I moved here a few years ago. " The thing that she didn't know was that I moved from Tennessee ten years ago when I was 15. Yeah, child prodigy is what they called me. You know, prodigy spelled backwards has "gid in it. If you replace the "i" with an "o" you've got "God". That's what I'm talkin' about.

She looked a little disappointed and said, "Well, are you looking for a congregation right now?" I could only imagine that she was thinking of some specific people that would enjoy my mind-blowing sermons (representing the serpent in the Adam and Eve story with a gummy worm, yum!).

I told her, "Not right now really, I'm trying to concentrate my energy on my son right now. I don't feel comfortable splitting my time between the two."

She nodded and told me that the money was probably better where I was at anyway. I almost told her that I was a man of God and that money was not a matter for me, but I figured that was a little over the top.

We started with the rehearsal and I found myself saying stuff like, "Now, you two need to look at each other, because you're not marrying me, you're marrying each other." and "You guys need to decide where you want to put your hands during the ceremony" and telling them who should come down the aisle and in what order. It was a little creepy if you ask me. The rest of the rehearsal went off without a hitch. The hitching would happen the next day (get it? getting hitched? Oh, sometimes I can make only myself laugh).

The day of the wedding everything actually went really well. I had written down what I was supposed to say in a book that looked semi-official. Unbeknownst to parents and such, the lyrics to songs that I used to sing in bands (see also Not Ned ) like Crack Babies, Lead Pipe, and My Name's Not Fred. Quite a different subject matter then what I was about to say. We went through the ceremony and Julio's mom came up to me afterwards and asked me if I would perform her next wedding. I told her that we would have to cross that bridge when the issue actually came up. I really thought that she was saying that she knew I was a fake minister and she wanted her next marriage to be a sham.

A week or two later Julio told me that his mom kept on asking about me and said she was really impressed with the service. She also continues to ask if I ever got a congregation because she would definitely go to the service if I was.

I guess that goes to show you that there isn't really anything holy about a holy man.

Oh, by the way, names have been changed to protect those that would have me protect them. Etc. etc. etc.