Do you remember when you were in high school and you knew those kids that were in a heavy metal band? Maybe you were one of those kids. They would do just about anything to get a gig. So it wasn't surprising that when the local church asked one of the members to play at a Christmas pageant he got all of the members of his band involved as much as possible. They learned all the Christmas songs and put their own heavy metal twist to them, they got dressed up real nice and made sure that their long hair was kempt. You couldn't help but feeling sorry for them when you saw them playing because it was just sad.

I recently got the chance to relive those feelings again when I went to see Trans Siberian Orchestra with my brother-in-law Chris. He was a big fan of TSO (as he calls them) way before they were TSO. Before they got their gig playing the yearly Christmas pageant. I had bought him and my sister tickets to go see them for a Christmas present. Front row tickets baby. A couple of days before the concert my nephew Tyler mysteriously got sick and my sister couldn't attend the show. I stepped up like a good brother-in-law and went to the show with Chris.

Before I go on, let me explain a little something about Trans Siberian Orchestra. All they play is Christmas songs. I'll rephrase. All they play is cock rock Christmas songs. They used to be a band called Savatage, but they didn't all belong to the band. You see, TSO tours in two bands and only one of the guys in the band that we saw was actually in Savatage. I think that he was actually trying to fool everyone and he was never actually in a band before. In addition I think he was lip synching. Wait, he didn't sing, maybe he was finger synching with the guitar on the tape. Yes, I think that sounds good.

Chris and I make it to the show and immediately I know that I will be able to write a column about the experience. For starters when we got to our seats (front row baby. you know, it's not as cool when I'm the one going to this concert) there was a couple in their mid to late forties making out and feeling each other up. Throughout the show I think that they stopped once. I thought they stopped in order to take each other's clothes off, but I was wrong.

Two rows behind us was a couple of blue haired old ladies who had to be in their mid seventies. As you can tell, I was at home. There was nothing that was more like my natural habitat. I think that I blacked out for awhile there because of sensory overload. There was just too much crazy shit going on at one time for me to retain my consciousness for long. When I came to, Trans Siberian Orchestra was taking the stage. The three front men were as I remembered the scene from high school. Well groomed hair down to their ass, rock and roll expressions on their faces (you know, lips pouted and eyebrows in a half scowl), and wearing tuxedoes with tails. Let the cock rock begin.

As soon as they started playing, I noticed this guy on the other side of the sex couple leaning forward and at first I dismissed it as just some guy that was really excited about his favorite Christmas tunes with a metal edge. Then I realized that he was playing air guitar on the railing that was in front of him. I laughed to myself for a moment and returned to the concert. Four songs later and two more articles of clothing on the floor (from the couple, not me) this guy was still playing air guitar on the railing. There is a point where you are a fanatic (my brother-in-law being a case in point, he played air guitar inconspicuously on occasion through the concert) and there is the point where you cross the line of having any reason to live. This guy was even farther down the line than that. He had made it to that point where to go on living would be a wast of the world's precious resources (space, air, chiclet gum). But I don't want to be too mean so we'll move on.

Here's where we'll see how dense I actually am. In between songs throughout the show they had this narrator guy talking. I didn't realize until about two narration portions down the road that he was actually telling a story that would span most of the show. I really thought that they were saying some weird archaic crap to sound cryptic while jamming out to "We Wish You a Merry Christmas". How was I to know that there was actually supposed to be a point, hell it's rock and roll (even if it is a little cheesy). I started listening to the story as a whole and eventually decided that I liked it better when I thought it was some weird archaic crap.

The show ended and the members of TSO said that they would be out to meet the audience after the show. Unfortunately, we did not get the chance to see them because we left the venue rather quickly. The show was pretty fun, but I must say that it was the audience that made it that way. I'll leave all of you on this note: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK!!! (around the Christmas tree).