It was such a hit two columns ago that I decided to answer your one e-mail and write another column about the bizzare and ever changing Greg Bell. But where to begin? Some people thing that the beginning is a good place, but I think it's a big crock. But, to appease my mainstream reader I will go ahead and start there.

As I said before, I met Greg outside my dorm during my freshman year. I apologize again, it's my fault. Greg was a 30 year old freshman who had spent nine years in the army. I have no problem with that, but he was very into the fact that he served in the army for so long. The day after he met me, I was telling him how hard it was for me to get to my morning classes on a regular basis. It was my first year after all. Greg was quick to point out that in the army, sleeping late was not an option. That I was silly for missing my 8 and 9:30 classes. Shortly after that I found out that he missed more classes than I attended through the whole year. In fact, he missed so many classes that after his first year in college he had a whopping 0.0 average due to incompletes and class failures. I should have known to stop listening to him after that, but I'm stupid and too nice.

Things progressively got worse with Greg as time passed. I remember him berating me and several other people for buying bar soap. The reason being that if you just used shampoo on your hair and let it drip down to the rest of your body then you save the added expense of purchasing it. I cried for days over this realization. I couldn't believe that I had been literally throwing my money down the drain for so many years. I lost all of my faith in my parents for not raising me to be more conscious of the money that I spend. Then I remembered what a stupid idea it was.

Greg wasn't what you would call a ladies man. I don't think you could even call him a mans man. MAYBE just maybe you could call him a man. But don't press your luck. When he hooked up with his neighbor we were all really happy. We thought that just maybe this would straighten out all the stuff that was screwed up in his head and he would start acting like a normal person. I don't remember the girl's name, but her bedroom was on the other side of the wall of Ed's bedroom so he got to listen to all of the fun. Greg was sure to tell us every time that they had sex. He would walk up to you and say something like,"Hey John, you gettin any? Well I am!! Several times a day too!!" We all just smiled and agreed with him over it. Shortly after they quit screwing each other the girl denied that she ever had sex with him more than once. We all knew that was a lie due to the fact that we heard them every time they did.

My sister moved to Texas during my second or third year in college. She met Greg before we all had the chance to warn her. Greg actually acted like a nice person to her and so she hung out with him for awhile. She was one of the few people that was ever nice to him so he immediately fell in love with her. He was perpetually sick because he smoked like a chimney and he ate like a rat (look at that, two similies in one sentence, I rule!). Julie gave him an orange to get him some vitamin C and get him healthy. That did it for Greg and he became a stalker. At three in the morning he would drop by Julie's house and bang on the door like a jealous boyfriend. Julie was afraid to go to the door, and I don't blame her what with all his army experience. Finally he stopped persuing her after he met the girl that I mentioned last. Five weeks later the orange was still in the refridgerator and Ed finally threw it out.

There's so many stories that I could tell about Greg but I like leaving it on the orange. These are the early stories that I don't get to tell a lot. I hope you enjoyed them.

A couple of days ago I was browsing through my e-mail and noticed three new e-mails with exactly the same title. I checked them out and they were all the same thing (imagine that!). The e-mails were addressed to Iloveyou@thevalleyonline.net, hatemail@thevalleyonline.net, and contribute@thevalleyonline.net. There you go, that's my super secret. If you send something to any of those e-mail addresses they go directly to my e-mail box. It's just my way of fulfilling my fantasy of owning a super huge dot com company.

At any rate, here is the e-mail. I'm going to try and comment on it as we go along and I'll put my comments in italics so it's easy to understand. The email was from joe-57211@rustymail.com:

PUT YOU INTERNET MARKETING IN OVERDRIVE
First off, they misspelled your. How can you put your Internet Marketing in Overdrive if you didn't graduate spelling class. Besides that they start out good. Massage my ego by making me feel like I actually have a marketing department. Speaking of which, I haven't seen the damn VP of Marketing. If anyone sees him tell him that his ass is fired.

Success in marketing online is based on you reaching people who are really interested in your ad!
Apparently they didn't follow their own rule, I sure as hell am nowhere near interested in this.

You need the fresh targeted e-mail addresses of business opportunity seekers who are ACTIVELY marketing online NOW!
Like me, right? Where the hell is that Marketing VP, I want to know why we're not ACTIVELY marketing online. I'm gonna rip him a new one.

Great place to grow your email marketing without ISP PROBLEMS. We all know the value of email marketing. Success in marketing online is based on you reaching people who are really interested in your ad! This is the Place to go.

Order Now- and get 100,000 Targeted Fresh Business Opportunity E-MAIL Addresses Special FREE Bonus --Send 1,500,000 SPAM FREE EMAILS DAILY
How do you send that many e-mails and have NO Spam whatsoever. You'll see how wrong this statement is a little bit later.

Special FREE Bonus---BULK EMAIL SOFTWARE

All of this for the UN-HEARD of PRICE of $15.00 (Limited Time Offer- No Strings)
You're right, I didn't hear it, could you tell me that again?

To Take Advantage of this fantastic offer Go To: http://shoppersrealm.com/peoplesnetemail.htm

If you received this e-mail in error we apologize for your inconvenience to be removed just click the link below. Please click Remove and send the blank e-mail. You will be instantly removed from our Mailing Lists. We received your email address as a member of globeclubs Opt In Mailing List
I'm sure they received my e-mail address that way, it was all of the addresses on my contacts page.

I laughed a little bit over it and went on, thinking that I wouldn't ever hear anything else about this magnificent deal. Like usual, I was wrong. You would think that I would learn my lesson. The next day, I had three brand new e-mails in my inbox (yes, only three. No one likes me enough to send me an e-mail.). They were all the same thing (do you notice a pattern yet?) and they were all from trafficmaster@hotmail.com. I'm gonna do the same thing here and let you read the e-mail. Actually, I just looked at the e-mail and decided that it was way too long. No one would read the column anymore if it were there. I'll give you the gist:

Congratulations sucker! You have been meticulously selected from a bulk e-mail list to receive this money making scheme. All you have to do to make large sums of money is send ten dollars to someone that you don't know. They are on the top of this four person list. What you don't know is that all these people are the same person. Once you do that, then send this e-mail to other suckers like yourself and you will be rolling in dough at the end of two weeks. Good luck, and if you get arrested we don't know who you are!

I sent him an e-mail, however the e-mail address did not exist anymore. Oh well. I do have his address which I am going to let all of you have. Package up all of your junk mail that you receive every week and send it to him. That would be wonderful. Here's the addresses of the people that were on the list. There are two out of the country so don't bother with them. Send it to the people in Connecticut.

800 Village Walk #257
Guilford, CT 06437

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15 Jung Crescent
New Germany, KZN
3610
SOUTH AFRICA

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7 Colombo St
Cashmere
New Zealand

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12 Brooklane
Guilford, CT 06437